I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?