I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma