@BrettDruck: I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I've accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: Kanye West says he's the Michael Jordan of music. If he's talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.
@onion_an: Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
@McKnightyBoo: It's great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don't feel like listening to people anymore