I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
estão todos miauvindo?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.