I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
When news reporters do sports stories
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.