I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Best seat on the street 😍
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks