I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I feel seen.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight