@TheBigBatman: I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she's been giving me lately.
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@mrjohndarby: Me: My son's goldfish died. What should I do? Him: Just flush him down the toilet Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
@Smug_Lemur: *at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good
@Dana_Bruno: Wasn't wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy's gym bag. How's your night going?!
@JohnMCochran: i want a reality show that's just footage of the losers' car ride home after family feud