I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
ugh not again
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph