@OhNoSheTwitnt: "I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound" I thought fatly.
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@Bob_Heller: Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
@droidbears: interviewer: any interests outside of work me: war and space documentaries mom: he means star wars me: mom stay in the car mom: nerd
@weinerdog4life: Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
@Playing_Dad: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.