“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Autocorrect is my menesis
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No