“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys