I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.