I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
The best plant holders?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.