I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
You Might Also Like
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?