DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
The devil.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.