WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
You Might Also Like
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.