I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.