Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.