I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
had to make it
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty