I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]