I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased