I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw