I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
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I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.