I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
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Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Still my favourite meme.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.