People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from