I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
the red hot silly peppers
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning