6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”