Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.