If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes