I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on