I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
May never get over this
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
i hate you platonically
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Need WebMD
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
i can’t wait that long
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.