Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
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My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.