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@Schgot89: I miss being a sperm.
I wish life was simple again.
@drayzze: "Knock knock."
@Matt_The_1st: Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house
@jaslakhmna: The new Exorcist movie plot:
Family hires the devil to get a priest out of her son!
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn't, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
@GrantTanaka: me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours