I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
WHY?!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Not all heroes wear capes.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars