I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Mornin