I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
This is amazing.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what