@LizHackett: I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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@ericsshadow: [answers phone during job interview] What's the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can't find me.
@RocketRankoon: A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
@mind_numb: I'm going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
@NicestHippo: She ate poison! We have to make her vomit! [everyone looks at me] [i roll my eyes and start getting naked]