@LizHackett: I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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@UncleDuke1969: [mall] Wife: Wait here. Me: Okay. Wife: Hold my purse. Me: Yes, ma'am. *looks in purse* *waves at testicles* Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
@Rollinintheseat: I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
@BurroFuma: I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn't help
@JournalismJunk: The closest I've come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I'm getting weighed.