[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.