I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different