@DanRegans: I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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@dshack8: Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
@TheTweetOfGod: Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
@liv_thatsme: HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER: Hi, I'm your server. "Our son got a degree!" Wow! I have a Master's. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?
@bossy_bootz: Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce