I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.