I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Social distancing in Australia:
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.