Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.