I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
You Might Also Like
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water