@tigersgoroooar: I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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@newLettuce: Wife: I'm going to the store. Need anything? Me: Get some uhhh [can't remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
@MattMcElaney: Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
@MafiaJoker78: *Leaves home for the day... *Fears I left something behind *Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone. *Grabs phone & leaves.
@CraigChamberlin: Me: "You didn't tell me that." Them: "Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone." Me (looks up): "I'm sorry, what?"