I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]