I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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is this how new cars are made??
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me