Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
rapatouille
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!