@wsforbes: I miss you... then I eat something and it goes away...
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@XplodingUnicorn: [Who Wants to be a Millionaire] Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend? Host: What's your friend's name? Me: Wikipedia.
@gerryhallcomedy: Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn't talk to her.
@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@ErrenMichaels:  *gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*  *dog now also fat*