Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.