I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.