I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You Might Also Like
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Livid.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Are you ok, human???
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness