I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
philosophical skeletons be like
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.