I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Chemical wingman
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.