I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!