@hazelmotes1: "I missed you so much!" I shout as I run past my wife's open arms and jump into my bed.
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@trims_the_fat: Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their's that they don't ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
@OfficialMizGin: Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend? Me: No, it’s for me. Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
@Reverend_Scott: Wife: "If I died, would you remarry?" Me: "Yup." Wife: "And you'd even let her use my golf clubs??" Me: "No silly! She's left handed."
@abhorrent_wife: Thanks to Target's full length 3 way mirrors, I'm now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.