@hazelmotes1: "I missed you so much!" I shout as I run past my wife's open arms and jump into my bed.
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@1Happytwit: A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
@MrsMikePatton: I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
@robdelaney: Haha my cousin's safeword is "chalice." (We don't have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
@WhatevaConc: If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.