@hazelmotes1: "I missed you so much!" I shout as I run past my wife's open arms and jump into my bed.
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@Fred_Delicious: "son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?" "dad, don't you mean Nam?" "sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence"
@sumpeoplelikeit: I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they'd know our interaction was over.
@BackrowSeats: This woman at the bar said "move, you're blocking the door" & I'm like strange pickup line but sure here's my number.
@Tmoney68: Her: I'm really into eating clean. Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.